I don't even know where to start. This summer looks like a constant battle of me trying to control everything, trying to control the growth of the girls in my room. Trying to not be sinful and be impressive to God. Because I often see God as a taskmaster and I am a performer and when I fail, he is disappointed with me and I have to try harder (this is not the way it is btw, but the way I see it). Because I really can't change anyone's life. And even when I see that, it takes a while before I come to God to pray about it (I don't trust he is good), I just try to ignore my failures or try harder. I want to see fruit, I want to see progress and it is just so tangled up and messy that I can't see anything happening, though I trust it is. I want order, I want to be able to see what is going on and where I am.
But I forget that God is committed to my renewal as well as the girls in my room. And he changes me and makes me dependant on him by showing me that it's not about me seeing their growth so I can congratulate myself on doing a good job. It's about me being faithful and abiding in Him and trusting him - he produces the fruit. On Sunday the pastor talked about how wrestling with sin is something we do as Christians, it's a constant cycle of repentance. So that was encouraging. It's not about eventually getting it all together and understanding it all - because God is glorified by weakness. And "religion" (performance, trying to please God) is a very hard taskmaster for imperfect people. If I believed God is a God of love and grace and IT IS FINISHED I would stop trying so hard to impress and just rest. Slumped on the floor, unable to control anything but singing and rejoicing that it is not all about me, it's about God and he is doing this because he is committed to HIS GLORY. And as I rest and enjoy that love, there'll be a natural overflow pouring out others.
1 Cor 4:7 "For who makes you different from anyone else? [God] What do you have that you did not receive? [Nothing] And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? [I want to be the centre]"
1 Cor 3:6-7 "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow"
So even as I finish planning for our small group tonight where I am praying we will be open to confess sin and confront each other... it's not me that does anything, no matter how things turn out. This has been on my heart and I am slowly starting to see the joy of letting go.
That's all for now :)