Monday, 27 June 2011

Hitting the wall?

I think the title pretty much describes it. The thing is, I think I have already HIT the wall and am now on an upwards recovery of just being able to rest, and steadily realize it's OK that I can't control what is going on. I'm starting to realize even more how little I can actually do, just come back and pray because I can't convict anyone of sin, or persuade them of a truth, or change a heart. Nope. And it's kind of freeing, and "sweet" to be able to just rest in knowing that I am loved and forgiven.. I have been infinetly served by Christ and am now free to serve the others, not to prove myself or show I am the best but just, because I am loved and forgiven, that compels me to love others as I ask God "How could you ever love me?"

There is tons of stuff going on at the moment, but not yet official so it's not up on the blog yet. We are almost halfway through our time here (4 weeks in, 6 to go?) which is crazy and just yesterday I saw so much of my own selfishness in the way I reacted badly to someone. Being in a room is definetly a sanctifying experience hehe. Yesterday after Life Training 8.45am (talk on family), campus time 10am (I joined Sioux Falls Uni this time) and church 11am, Allie and I were going to escape and drive to Atlanta Bread to have lunch and just chat somewhere off Project to rest. (I always say "Proj" coz it is easy but I can't bring myself to type it). But the car was playing up like crazy (indicators not working, accelerator not doing anything really, the car jolted alot and the TRAC OFF light came on) but we got to Atlanta bread and it was closed! So we turned around to go to Sonic but the car started not working and the steering wheel was locking so we stopped at a supermarket and were rescued by Jess and Greta. Greta drove back with Allie (coz it was her car we were using) and I went back with Jess (my team leader) and she just had to ask "How are you?" and it all came pouring out, so we ended up going to Starbucks just to talk through how everything has been going. I think the biggest frustration was that I saw how selfish I was being and I was FRUSTRATED at my frustration with someone else that has been going on. I wanted to love but just feel annoyance and I was annoyed at my annoyance and just wanted it to go away. But there is something much greater than our sin just "going away" (= burying it and pretending nothing has happened). It has been TAKEN AWAY... so as I confessed my annoyance and verbally processed with Jess and then came back home and journalled for an hour I was able to see how horrible it all was, all that was inside me (like an infected wound being revealed or drained or whatever.. yeuch) but then, after all that, to see that it has been FORGIVEN and although I have not talked to the person yet to ask for forgiveness (but will later today) its OK, I am forgiven by God and so I feel free. It is so much better to bring up sin from the bottom and deal with it and know it is done and finished with than bury it very very deep and try to feel better as you try to forget about it. At a camp ages ago a pastor described it as healing an infected wound, treating it, putting antiseptic, etc. as oppose to wrapping it in a bandage to fester so it can't be seen anymore. So yeah, sin abounds, but forgiveness abounds so much more. And that is so restful =).

Thankyou for your prayers for rest, God is definetly showing me alot. And working in the girls as they open up more and we are able to share more in life - even if I can't fix them or don't have a clue what to do. We have had plenty of fun as well.. I do believe I was on a sugar high and climbing onto Rachel's bunk and rolling off it onto our bed, doing some crazy dancing in the room, we were asked on a group date by the A-men (Last year they were called the A-team but now there are no women on the team (coz we were lacking in older women) hence their name: Amen), and then we had a Sadie Hawkins social (where the guy rooms had to plan a synchronized swim to impress the girls who would ask them out on a date). Basically, the guys and girls rooms were assigned a number and after the guys did their performance, the girls could either accept them or swap them. There were some cold-hearted swaps haha including our room, because we were assigned the same number as the Amen and we went on a date with them the night before! So after a harsh rejection, we chose Tim's room and then took them out of a group date. We had a treasure hunt for 2 teams (2 guys and 2 girls per team) and had them running about (in the rain!), then we went to a state park (but it was dark so we ended up going somewhere else), we were all crammed into a van (9 of us) and the guys had to keep their eyes shut as we took them (and they only opened them when Libby (driver) screamed and slammed on the brakes and Taylor described it best "I opened my eyes and saw a deer and saw my life flash before my eyes"... no one (no deer) was hurt though). We had a barbeque and made smores and then took refuge in a nearby shelter from the rain and got out sparklers for the finale. It was great fun.

ANYWAY, this post is getting long, but that's probably enough for now, will be updating soon though :). Sunday to Thursday's are pretty busy and then Friday and Saturday's slow down as everyone is off at work.
Things are moving ahead on the job front (maybe?) The guy working at Fire and Ice (the cafe I am sitting in) asked his brother (a Youth Pastor) about getting work for us legally and just came to tell me to tell Elliot (a leader here) to come and talk to him, so maybe there is a prospect on the horizon? Staff leave on Wednesday so tomorrow is our last babysitting day - which is sad coz I am getting used to have the kids around.
Anyway, thats me off haha before I find something else to write.
Thanks for reading!

1 comment:

  1. Mmmmm....sparklers in the rain....likey:)

    "...And it's kind of freeing, and "sweet" to be able to just rest in knowing that I am loved and forgiven."

    Isn't it just?! God bless you Kat, as you learn to rest in Him.